when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
