I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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