I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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