He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
