I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
