I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
