Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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