I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
