If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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