at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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