Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
