Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
