and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
