I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
