so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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