I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize