he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
