There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Welp...herpes.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
