There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize