turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
