i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
