This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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