Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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