i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
