I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Even my vagina gasped.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
