sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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