but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
