Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
