Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
