So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
