I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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