Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
