Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
