I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
