; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
