My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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