My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
