fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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