her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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