I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
