um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
