There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
