Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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