Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
