He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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