she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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