apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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