How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
