The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
