remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
