Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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