Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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