i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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