My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
