I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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