Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
