I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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