I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
